


stargazer

by deadbeatfreak99



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Short, chatfic, really just me venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 06:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20830862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbeatfreak99/pseuds/deadbeatfreak99
Summary: ❝when bones are shattered and lungs are punctured, no casts nor bandages can mend them.❞《in which sicheng is always stargazing on the roof and yuta asks him to come back inside.》





	1. 【w】

**Author's Note:**

> originally completed on wattpad 14/02/2019
> 
> It's far from my best work and I wrote it in an afternoon.  
It's also full of metaphors but I don't want to give a direct explanation to those, so interpret things as you wish.  
I'm not trying to romanticise suicide and depression in any way, this is purely to vent.

_do you ever wonder how many _   
_stars there are in the sky_   
_which we can't see? _

** _[02:56]_ **

_Not really. If we can't see them _   
_then they must be too far away _   
_to have any sort of effect on us_

** _[02:58]_**

_Does it matter at all??_

_**[02:58]** _

  
_i _ _like to think they matter. just_  
_because they're nestled in the _  
_blackness of space does it mean _  
_that _ _they lose their significance? _

_ **[03:00]** _

_I mean, maybe. How come _   
_you're talking about stars? _   
_This is random_

** _[03:01]_ **

  
_no_ _ reason other than that _   
_they're shining brightly _   
_tonight_

** _[03:01]_ **

_have_ _ you looked outside the _   
_window_

_ **[03:03]** _

_?_

_ **[03:03]** _

_I don't look out at this time. _   
_the darkness creeps me out_

_ **[03:04]** _

  
_but that's_ _ why there's the moon_   
_angel_

_ **[03:05]** _


	2. 【e】

_are_ _you going to look out the_   
_window ? _

** _[03:28]_ **

_It's half three in the morning_  
_cheng. _ _I'm already _ _in bed_

_ **[03:31]** _

_What are you doing up?_ _??_

_ **[03:31]** _

  
_i'_ _m on the roof. the stars are _   
_making the sky glimmer like _   
_an ocean's surface. you're _   
_missing out_

** _[03:33]_ **

_If I can't watch them with you, _   
_what's the point of seeing them _   
_at all?_

_ **[03:33]**_

_liar_

** _[03:34]_ **

_you only don't want to get _   
_out of bed_

_ **[03:34]** _

_The darkness scares me_

_ **[03:34]** _


	3. 【r】

if_ i _ _were to die, would _ _i_  
_become _ _one of the stars? _

_ **[04:01]** _

_What are you talking about_  
_baby_ _? Sleep_ _!_

_ **[04:03]** _

  
_i'm_ _ serious yuta. would i be free? _

** _[04:04]_ **

_would_ _ i be one of the stars? _

_ **[04:04]** _

_Who knows. I think we can find _  
_freedom even without having _  
_to die. _ _Isn't happiness the key _  
_to unlocking liberation? _

** _[04:05]_ **

  
_and _ _what if death is the one _   
_who's holding such a key? _

** _[04:06]_ **

_Sicheng you're starting to_   
_scare me_

_ **[04:06]** _

_there's nothing to be afraid of_

_ **[04:07]** _

_What's going on with you??_

_ **[04:07]** _

  
_are _ _you afraid of dying? _

_ **[04:08]** _

_I am and you should be too. _

_ **[04:10]** _


	4. 【e】

_w__hen you look up at the __night _  
_sky does a weird feeling _  
_ever overwhelm_ _you? _

_ **[04:04]** _

_I don't look up at the sky often._   
_What kind of feeling is it?_

_ **[04:05]** _

_the__ feeling that my soul is _  
_being extracted from my body. _  
_i_ _ feel weightless, hollow. i feel _  
_as if i don't actually exist_

_ **[04:07]** _

_do_ _ you think i exist? _

** _[04:08]_ **

_Of course you do. I'm messaging _  
_you right now. What's going _  
_on with you cheng?_ _?_

** _[04:08]_ **

_Are you okay? _

** _[04:08]_ **

_i'm_ _ fine. does someone have to _   
_not be fine to lay down and _   
_watch the stars? _

_ **[04:09]** _

_It's four in the morning_ _!!_  
_You're outside? Come in_ _ or_  
_y_ _ou'll catch a cold_

_ **[04:10]**_

_that's_ _ okay. i'll come in a bit_

_ **[04:13]** _


	5. 【y】

_when_ _we die, do you really_  
_think our life flashes before _  
_our eyes? i would hate that_

_ **[02:45]** _

_I think it would be nice to _   
_remember how far we came _   
_and how much we achieved _   
_in our time_

** _[02:46]_ **

_Why?? Don't you agree?_

_ **[02:46]** _

  
_forced__ to relive everything _  
_in my last moments awake? _  
_t__he mere concept is __enough _  
_to tempt me to_ _avoid dying_

_ **[02:47]** _

_Baby has_ _ life treated you_   
_so unfairly?_

_ **[02:47]** _

_life _ _has treated many others _  
_much worse. i wouldn't say _  
_i'm__ anything special_

** _[02:49]_ **

_Perhaps not in such a sense_   
_but you're special to me sicheng_

_ **[02:49]** _

  
_i'm_ _ really not.you however_  
_are the most valuable of people _  
_i've__ ever met_

_ **[02:50]** _

_i _ _love you yuta_

** _[02:51]_ **

_I love you too sicheng. _

** _[02:51]_ **

_Please come inside. _

_ **[03:01]** _


	6. 【o】

_Are you on the roof again??_

** _[03:07]_ **

  
_you_ _know me too well_

_ **[03:08]** _

_You weren't answering when_  
_I knocked on your apartment_  
_door. _ _I got worried._

** _[03:08]_ **

  
_it's_ _starting to rain_  
_but i think i hear singing_

_ **[03:14]** _

_If it's raining please come in_ _._   
_You'll get sick Sicheng _

_ **[03:15]** _

  
_the _ _singing is getting louder. _  
_who would be singing right now, _  
_at this time? _ _weird._

_ **[03:18]** _

_You're probably imagining it babe._   
_You must be exhausted..._   
_Come inside, please_

_ **[03:18]** _

  
_what _ _do you think rain is? _

_ **[03:21]** _

_We all studied the water cycle _  
_as children. Everybody knows _  
_what it is and where it comes _ _from_

** _[03:22]_ **

  
_why_ _ do you have to kill the _   
_magic with science?_

_ **[03:23]** _

_i _ _think each rain drop is _  
_the tear of an angel_

_ **[03:24]** _

_maybe_ _each rain drop is the_  
_soul of someone who has _  
_passed away, returning to _  
_earth_

_ **[03:24]** _

_what__ do you think_ _ sweetheart?_

** _[03:25]_ **

_I think you're thinking too_  
_much_ _about things lately_

_ **[03:26]** _

_Please come down from _   
_the roof. It's dangerous._

** _[03:26]_ **


	7. 【u】

_last time you said happiness_   
_is the key to freedom in life_

_ **[04:02]** _

_Yeah I did..._

_ **[04:04]** _

  
_are you happy? _

_ **[04:05]** _

_I have you by my side and _   
_work is going well. I have friends _   
_and family who love me. _

** _[04:07]_ **

_So I'm very happy ^^_

** _[04:07]_ **

  
_is_ _ that how we must calculate_   
_our happiness? by people outside _   
_of ourselves and the money _   
_in our pockets? _

** _[04:08]_ **

_How else would you calculate _   
_happiness then??_

** _[04:09]_ **

  
_i don't think anyone can calculate _   
_it. it's mostly unattainable_   
_and when we attain it we _   
_can't maintain it. _

** _[04:11]_ **

_we're like donkeys, blindly _   
_following the hanging carrot _   
_before our mouths that moves _   
_away every time we try to _   
_take a bite_

_ **[04:12]** _

_Don't be so negative, sicheng._   
_We can find happiness in the_   
_smallest of things!_

_ **[04:12]** _

_Seeing you smile makes me _   
_happy. Waking up in your arms _   
_when you stay over makes me _   
_happy. Your morning breath _   
_and groggy voice as you ask for _   
_milk and honey make me happy. _   
_Warm food and a sweet drink _   
_as we cuddle and watch movies _   
_make me happy_

_ **[04:13]** _

_Aren't you happy with me??_

** _[04:15]_ **

  
_you're my only happiness_   
_but what I said before still _   
_stands. _

** _[04:16]_ **

_mostly unattainable and _   
_when we attain it we lose it. _

** _[04:16]_ **

_You'll never lose me darling. _

** _[04:17]_ **

  
_I love you._

_ **[04:20]** _


	8. 【e】

_Baby you're not opening your _   
_apartment again _

_ **[03:35]** _

_It's almost five in the morning._   
_Are you on the roof?? _

_ **[04:48]** _

_Please reply_

** _[04:57]_ **

_Sicheng???_

** _[05:13]_ **

_I'm getting worried _

** _[05:19]_ **

  
_i'm sorry for taking long. _   
_i fell asleep_

_ **[05:41]** _

_In bed?_

** _[05:43]_ **

_on the roof._

_ **[05:50]** _


	9. 【v】

_yuta do you think life _   
_has any meaning? _

** _[02:23]_ **

_You've been talking about life _   
_and death often lately..._

** _[02:34]_ **

_Are you okay Sicheng? _

** _[02:34]_ **

  
_i'm alright. just wondering. _

** _[02:35]_ **

_Wondering too much leads_   
_you astray, you know _

** _[02:36]_ **

  
_i think we need to stray from _   
_paths layed out before us and _   
_discover things for ourselves_

** _[02:38]_ **

_What are you trying to say??_

** _[02:38]_ **

  
_do you think there's meaning _   
_in life?_

** _[02:41]_ **

_I think we should simply live out _   
_our stories. Not everything has to _   
_have a concrete meaning. We _   
_can give life any meaning _   
_we want it to have_

_ **[02:44]** _

_what meaning would you _   
_give it? _

  
** _[02:45]_ **

_I would say it's to allow our souls _   
_to grow and learn, find love and _   
_peace on earth and then pass _   
_away when our story has _   
_been completed._

_ **[02:46]** _

  
_we are the writers of our own _   
_destiny is what you mean? _

_ **[02:46]** _

_I guess so_

_ **[02:47]** _

_What meaning do you give life?_

_ **[02:48]** _

_Sicheng?? Why aren't you _   
_replying? _

** _[02:58]_ **

_Did you fall asleep outside _   
_again?_

** _[03:04]_ **


	10. 【e】

_I've been thinking, sicheng_

_ **[03:07]** _

_If you need help with anything _   
_or if there's something bothering _   
_you, please tell me. I'm always_   
_here to listen, okay?_

**_[03:07]_ **

_We can go to someone else too_   
_if I'm not capable of being of any use _

**_[03:09]_ **

  
_you really shouldn't worry_   
_angel. i've been like this for years_   
_and i'm still okay_

** _[03:13]_ **

_You say that but you're out on _   
_our apartment building's roof _   
_at quarter past three in the _   
_morning, staring at the sky. _

**_[03:16]_ **

  
_I can't sleep. _

** _[03:19]_ **

_I'll come join you!_   
_Give me a minute_

_**[03:22]** _

  
_it's better if i stay alone._

_ **[03:22]** _

_I understand ^^_

_ **[03:23]** _

_I'm sorry I'm not of any help. _   
_All I want is for you to be happy baby. _

_**[03:25]** _

  
_i will be soon, don't worry_   
_i just need time_

** _[03:26]_ **

_I'm here for as long as you _   
_need me to be, sicheng. _

**_[03:26]_ **

  
_I love you._

_ **[03:43]** _


	11. 【r】

_that feeling is back_

_ **[04:13]** _

_That weird one you mentioned _   
_some time ago??_

_ **[04:15]** _

  
_yeah, but it's stronger now_

_ **[04:16]** _

_Stronger? What do you mean?_

_ **[04:16]** _

  
_i feel so incredibly alone. _   
_It's scary. such a big world, _   
_so many people, but i feel _   
_cut away. pointless and _   
_unimportant. does my _   
_existence even hold _   
_any value at all? _

** _[04:18]_ **

_am i already a distant star, _   
_swallowed by the blackness_   
_of space?? it feels as if there's _   
_no sense to anything at all. _

** _[04:18]_ **

_Why does this hurt so much? _

** _[04:18]_ **

_You're never alone, sicheng. _   
_You have me and I love you _   
_more than anyone else in _   
_the universe _

_ **[04:19]** _

_You have meaning in my life _   
_and importance as well, more than _   
_you could imagine and more _   
_than I can describe._

** _[04:19]_ **

_I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm so _   
_sorry baby. If I could I would take it _   
_all on myself so that you _   
_could be free of it_

_ **[04:20]** _

  
_i would never let you darling._   
_your heart must remain glowing _   
_and warm, beating soundly _   
_within your chest of gold_

** _[04:25]_ **

_i would never let you suffer._

_ **[04:25]** _

_Then how can I help you Sicheng? _   
_I'm suffering by only seeing _   
_you in pain._

_ **[04:26]** _

  
_let me join the stars_

_ **[04:27]** _

_What do you mean?_

_ **[04:28]** _

_Babe?? _

** _[04:36]_ **


	12. 【h】

_You never replied yesterday_

_ **[02:07]** _

_You're not opening your apartment _   
_door when I come to you either_

_ **[02:07]** _

_Where are you?? Please reply_

** _[02:08]_ **

  
_i'm on the roof. don't burden _   
_yourself so much with me_   
_yuta. _

_ **[02:13]** _

_everything will be fine._

** _[02:14]_ **

_You're not a burden! Sicheng_   
_please come inside._

** _[02:14]_ **

_Come lay in my arms instead_

** _[02:14]_ **

_Come lay against my light. I will_   
_share my candle's flame with_   
_your dwindling one_

_ **[02:15]** _

  
_and what if my extinguished _   
_candle, burnt out and crumbling _   
_wick, kills your flame_

** _[02:18]_ **

_?_

** _[02:19]_ **

_My flame is strong enough for_   
_the both of us, I promise_

_ **[02:19]** _

_Sicheng I'm coming._   
_Wait for me up there_

** _[02:21] _ **

  
_don't bother. i locked the roof _   
_door and blocked it_

_ **[02:23]** _

_i'm sorry angel_

** _[02:24]_ **

_you know i love you right? _

_ **[02:24]** _

_I love you too Sicheng_

_ **[02:25]** _

_I love you so much_

** _[02:25]_ **

_Please come sleep with me_

_ **[02:27]** _

_I'll hold you._

** _[02:27]_ **


	13. 【a】

_what do you do when you're _   
_stuck at a crossroad and can't _   
_decide which way to turn? _

_ **[03:34]** _

_You weigh out your pros and_   
_cons for each option_

_ **[03:35]** _

  
_and what if you would have _   
_to choose between putting others _   
_or yourself first? _

** _[03:36]_ **

_Sicheng you know I would tell _   
_you to put yourself first. Whatever _   
_you need, don't think about me. _   
_The top priority is your happiness._

** _[03:36]_ **

_That's all I care about._

_ **[03:36]** _

_perhaps your opinion would _   
_change depending on the _   
_situation_

_ **[03:38]** _

_If there's you involved, you _   
_would always come first _

** _[03:39]_ **

_Please, baby, let me_   
_make you happy_

_ **[03:40]** _


	14. 【p】

_i'm hearing singing again_

_ **[04:03]** _

_it almost sounds like a choir. _   
_they sound like children_   
_sweet and untainted_

_ **[04:03]** _

_Really?? I can't hear anything_

** _[04:06]_ **

  
_odd. i swear it's getting louder_

** _[04:11]_ **

_Sicheng please come_   
_over tonight_

** _[04:12]_ **

  
_do you think there's some _   
_sort of meaning to it? i can't _   
_make out the words _   
_they're singing_

** _[04:15]_ **

_Maybe somebody has their music_   
_playing loudly??? Who cares what_   
_they're listening to. Please come_   
_to me Sicheng_

** _[04:16]_ **

  
_heavy clouds are beginning to shroud_   
_the stars. i think i've understood _   
_what it means_

_ **[04:16]** _

_I miss you Sicheng_

** _[04:16]_ **

  
_i'll miss you too, yuta_

_ **[04:27]** _

_Will? _

** _[04:28]_ **

_I'm coming up. Please wait_   
_for me_

** _[04:29]_ **

_Okay sicheng? Waitt for mwe_   
_Im coming_

** _[04:29]_ **

  
_i really love you, yuta_

** _[04:32]_ **

_I love you too_

** _[04:32]_ **

_Moree than you can imagind_

_ **[04:32]** _

_Please_

** _[04:33]_ **

_Wait for mk_

_ **[04:33]** _

  
_I love you._

_ **[04:38]** _


	15. 【p】

_Angel,_

_I'm sorry if this note finds you in pain. I'm sorry if stars drip from the galaxies in your eyes, but I'm sure they'll make you shimmer until they fade, and your honey sweet lips will smile again._

_I'm sorry if it feels like I've left you. Please know I will never leave your side. Wherever you can see the sky, you will be seeing me too._

_Your candle still has years to burn, so please let its flame bring comfort to your heart and peace to your mind. _

_I have gone to join the stars. I have liberated myself of my body. For your sake and mine, don't go see the state it's probably in. Eliminate anything and everything related to me in your memories, but if you are unable to do so, please remember me as happy._

_I'm sorry if you feel like this is your fault. It's not. _

_You were the sun that kissed my skin and kept me safe, sheltered me from the incessant war I fought within myself. _

_You were the moon that lit the way along my dark path, guiding me and allowing me to feel some semblance of hope._

_This did not happen because you are not enough. You are worth more than the existence of the sun and moon, the thousands of stars and hundreds of planets. _

_You are worth more than life and death, and my departure is not related to you._

_You gave me the strength to carry on for these past few years, but when bones are shattered and lungs are punctured, no casts nor bandages can mend them._

_I'm grateful for all you've done and said. I'm grateful for you being a part of my life. _

_I loved you, I love you and I will always love you. _

_I'm not very poetic, am I? I wish I could write you all the pretty words you deserve, words you could etch into your heart._

_My love for you is all I have to offer, though. Please let it be a comforting blanket you can engulf yourself in when you feel too alone._

_I love you, my sun, moon and stars. _

_I'm sorry for being selfish. _

_Please, forgive me_ _ one last time._

_Until we meet again,_   
_Sicheng._


	16. 【y】

_All I want is for you to be happy._   
_Are you happy now? _

** _[01:13]_ **

_I really hope you are. That would _   
_mean that my pain is worth it. _

_ **[01:14]** _

_If this is what I have to endure _   
_for you to be content, I'll bare it. _   
_It's alright. Please don't feel _   
_guilty. I'm okay. _

_ **[01:14]** _

_I love you too, Sicheng. I'll _   
_never stop loving you. _

_ **[01:16]** _

_I'll never stop thinking of you. _   
_I will smile so that you can see _   
_that there is joy in life and I will _   
_laugh so that you can be reminded _   
_of our time together. _

** _[01:17]_ **

_I won't say goodbye_

_ **[01:17]** _

_Thank you for loving me Sicheng_

_ **[01:17]** _

_I hope you've found your freedom_   
_up amongst the stars._

_ **[01:18]** _

_I hope my love reaches you_   
_even if you're so far away._

_ **[01:18]** _

_I love you, Sicheng. _

** _[01:20]_ **


	17. 【?】

_It's been three years tonight_  
_since you left._

_ **[04:23]** _

_I feel guilty for not having sent you_  
_a message these past two weeks but I_  
_was terribly busy, as you must have seen._

_ **[04:23]** _

_How are you doing?_

** _[04:23]_ **

_I'm doing alright, I guess_

** _[04:24]_ **

_Do you like the new place I'm in?_  
_I figured it was about time I left that_  
_building. I couldn't stand seeing that_  
_other couple moving into your_  
_apartment._

** _[04:25]_ **

_It felt as if I were witnessing_  
_them breaking in each time_  
_and I'd have to restrain myself _  
_from keeping them out_

** _[04:25]_ **

_They're actually quite nice_  
_people. It's a pity they chose_  
_your apartment, though_

_ **[04:25]** _

_Speaking of couples, did you see _  
_the dates I've been on?? Was there _  
_one of them you liked in particular? _

** _[04:26]_ **

_They're all kind and funny_  
_and we get along well but _

** _[04:26]_ **

_I'm being selfish when I say this_

** _[04:26]_ **

_But none of them seem to fit me_  
_like you do. It's something_  
_I can't explain_

_ **[04:26]** _

_I miss you Sicheng, but I hope _  
_you're doing well_

** _[04:29]_ **

_I like to believe that one day_  
_we will meet again. Until then _  
_I must learn to live without _  
_seeing you _

** _[04:30]_ **

_Please don't forget about me_  
_until I come_

** _[04:31]_ **

_I love you baby_

** _[04:38]_ **

_You're shining brightly in the_  
_sky tonight, as always_

_ **[04:39]** _

_I'm no longer afraid of_  
_the darkness_

_ **[04:40]** _

_As you said, that's why_  
_there is the moon._

_ **[04:40]** _

** _ messages not delivered. _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely fucking hate this story like more than i hate all my work in general lmao I'll probably delete this garbage in a week
> 
> Anyway thank you for reading

**Author's Note:**

> thanks a lot for reading!


End file.
